Ehh start of school, not really psyched. I am psyched to type this on my keyboard though (Logitech Illuminated) all nice and smooth and flat like a laptop. Takes a bit of getting used to but very nice, and much quieter.
First class of Creative Industries today. Got a bit lost and found the building but couldn't find a way in until i realised there was only one lecture hall in the whole building so the whole thing worked out ok.
The lecturers were all kinda iffy with me, but maybe that's just a Business student perspective. Trying too hard to be funny or whatever. Though the powerpoints was an interesting change. After holing myself in my hosue for so long, feels kinda surreal sitting with so many people, especially since i was just part of the crowd, with no one addressing me directly. I think I'm really going to hate all the personal shit the Creative Industries people wants, I prefer to just do what I have to do and get over it in a more distant perspective, but again, Business student speaking again. Some of the assessment seems kinda interesting, and I'm trying very hard to put some enthusiasm and perserverence into this, rather than falling back into my usual slackness.
Sometimes I really find myself thinking too much into stuff, when other people just kinda skim the surface. Of course, should I bother investigating deeper, or is the reason why people stay above the surface is because there's no real reason to go deeper. After a while I just confuse myself and wonder if I'll go prematurely mad.
Not having my mum around the house is pretty relaxing for me, minus the lack of food obviously, but after some hedging from friends I've tried to be a bit more proactive about putting some healthier dietary options in my meals.
I've noticed myself as a person I like trying a lot of new things, but rarely am I really good at them. It's currently showing itself to be a liability to myself, so, as the year of adventure, it's probably also the year for dedication. Pick a few things and capitalise on it. I'm trying this year, to be a bit sportier. Not looking to pick an actual sport, maybe do some exercises at home, and play a bit more DDR. Dunno, that sorta thing, haven't really thought my way through it all yet.
I'm still so slack, for example I still haven't learnt how to drive yet, cos I'm too damn lazy to find a driving instructor and organize times, also because I refuse to drive my mum's car, not because it's a FWD and auto as I usually whinge, but because my mum has touched it, and I'm still really touchy about touching my mum's things.
Ehh last week for binge gaming and I'm doing my best at lying around the house doing absolutely nothing at all. I'm getting really fed up with work because I get pretty down if the co-workers I like (at least one of them) aren't working that shift, because I the thought of dragging through those hours without someone who doesn't secretly wishes I wasn't there really pulls me down. I do my job efficiently, I'm proud to say, I'm good with (most) customers, I don't drop a lot of stuff any more, but once I turn around I feel like my whole spirit just fell through my shoes and I'm wiping it on the floor. I make an effort to be less clumsy, but when I'm tired or rushed, inevitably I trip over a lot of stuff.
Ok maybe I'm forcing my posts a bit, but maybe that's good, since my thoughts are so random and memory so bad, I tell myself I'll do something then I forget about it the next second. There's a few more important things I want to blog about...but atm I don't really feel like talking about too deeply. Goes in the first section of the blog.
Well since I just finished playing with my mmo pet guess I'll end this post here, nite~
Yaaaaaayy my mum has gone to Canberra to help my sister move out, so she'll be gone for about a month, and the house is all mine again!!!! *dances of joy* cept for the fact I can't cook *pours self a bowl of cereal* uhhh yea that's pretty much all I've been eating...simplistic XD
Of course not having my mum around does have minor inconveniences, like not being able to get driven around, but since she doesn't do that much anyway it doesn't really make a difference. Awesome thing is I can come and go as I please, and can stay out later in the city with my friends. But having to do my own shopping, washing the dishes, which actually isn't so bad. I guess moving out isn't a problem if I can move in with someone who can cook for me =D
Ehh finished my final summer unit, last week of holidays before I'm back to school again. Was too slack to study for it even though I had heaps of spare time, until the day before, so starting from 12pm on Thursday til 4am on Friday, took a half hour nap, then kept on studying til 6:30, then had to get changed and take the train through the rain and cold. And then of course I had work afterwards, which lasted til 12:30am Saturday, and managed to crawl home at 1:30am. Then of course unlike any normal person who would have gone straight to bed, I gamed til 4am to celebrate my freedom :P Which then of course it left me wasted for the next few days.
Oh yeaa was Valentines. Justin's birthday party: azn bbq at Southbank (quite a lot of people turned up), met a few new people, and a few old friends and everyone was having fun. The guys had a few drinks at Fat Louis and played dice, the girls played cards and sat around. Got dragged to watch a movie, not too bad though. Thoroughly bored and tired by the time I got home. It's annoying when someone keeps mentioning the fact that you look unhappy, let's try do shit that will make you potentially happier, when you want nothing else but to be left to your own devices, but you don't want to hurt their feelings.
That's really it for now. Gotta mail some coats and stuff down to Canberra where it's apparently freezing, and buy new books for semester. Other than that, game time.
Well hmm over the weekend something major occurred...namely I broke up with Chris :S There were various reasons for that decision, but whatever excuses I dredged up for him or myself did nothing to cover up the pain I felt for myself, and for hurting him so badly.
In the morning, I was overcome by a strange feeling of normality. The sun was shining so brightly, my mum going around doing what she usually does, people talking to me like there wasn't a huge gaping hole in my chest. But that was true. Through all that emptiness, nothing has changed, except for the relationship between him and me. Which now that we hardly have one at all was my fault. I'm not sure if the emptiness or the normality was self-induced, but all day I was feeling torn between those two emotions. In one sense I felt freer, but in another much more burdened.
Being 18 kinda sucks :S my feeling is that like *yay* I don't have a loving boyfriend, I have an ex. Welcome to the path to adulthood.
But last night he came over, because I had to give him some stuff back. But also because I didn't want us to end our relationship solely on the phone, and future meetings being extremely awkward and probably spiteful. But he was surprisingly understanding (not that he had a choice anyway), and we managed to end the night with a close dinner, some more hug time, and a better goodbye. When I had finished telling him we had to break up, I was struck by the fact that I would probably never feel his hugs anymore, and I deeply regretted the fact that I had not held him for just that little longer when he said goodbye on that night. But at least he was kind enough to let me make amends.
In the meantime, I'm trying not to think about it, because doubtless I will fall into a spiral of self-hate and derision, but when you're trying not to think at all, homework doesn't rank very high on the immediate to-do list. So I've just been burning DVDs and stuff, which is annoying because my burner has been very temperamental about what it wants to burn lately.
if you are not beside me there will be others around me if the ones around me are gone there will still be be myself if i too have disappeared emptiness shall be my companion and it will never leave me
Oops forgot to post about my 18th birthday. Probably the only exciting thing that happened.
Last year I invited a few friends over to my house and we played games and had a few drinks and that was about it. But this year I was kind of preoccupied with summer school and forgot about it until 2 weeks beforehand, and I really couldn't be bothered doing anything about it. But Liv and Chris took up the planning for me and promised to take care of everything, and as he said "as if I would let your 18th birthday go by and you writing an essay at home!" So those two schemers planned and schemed the whole thing up, which I thought was extremely nice of them. Not only that but he paid for most of the expenses, which I feel pretty bad about, but both of them were very adamant about me doing nothing at all :S
It was meant to be completely secret, but as well as I know them, they would eventually let things slip, which they all did XD was pretty funny when they were swearing at themselves after letting something big slip.
Well in the afternoon I went to see a friend in the city, who stood me up, so I went back home (sweating and slightly pissed off) and mucked around at home until I got dressed and went back to the city to meet people. I was wearing a pair of knee-high boots that I've had for a while, and I noticed that the right heel sqeaked a little as I was walking but I was like meh it'll be fine. We met up in Replay and played a few games while waiting for people. When most people were there we went to Madisons, a Korean kareoke bar/club. Since we didn't have any handy Koreans among us, we had to keep asking the guy who served us to fiddle with the volume knobs, but his English wasn't very good so most of our requests fell on confused ears. The room came with beer, scotch and some food. Our wonderful party planners also brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Baskin and Robins ice cream cake ^____^ A big thank you to those two <3
One of my friends knew the manager at that place and he very kindly shouted us a round of free drinks. After we used up our kareoke time, we went into the club adjourning the kareoke place, but it was still kind of early and absolutely deserted, so we decided to waste time at a pub them come back. We went to a pub down the road called Gilhooleys, were I got a free cocktail ^^ But pubs are so NOISY! We were sitting around a table and we had to shout at each other all the time. There was a live band playing and a mini dance floor, where people got up and mini shuffled around. I taught a few people how to play 十五二十 which had mixed results but was pretty fun still, minus all the yelling I had to do when teaching them. My bro took me dancing on the mini floor, and he's into all that modern jive shit which includes lots and lots of spinning. So me, being slightly tipsy, on 4-inch heels and no clue what he was doing, was getting dizzier by the second. He was pretty good at leading me even though I missed a lot of things, and being spun around a lot made me lose track of time so I can't be exactly sure how long we were out there for. Wasn't until I suddenly felt very unbalanced that I realised the heel of my right boot had come off XDDD So I was limping around on a heel-less boot for the next hour or so :P
Ermerm people started leaving so the people that stayed went to Pancake Manor. The guys played pool while I just chatted with Ann, who I meet pretty much once a year on brithdays now. And that was about it :P Very eventful, and much in debt to those who would not let me go without a proper eighteenth celebration.
Reading Albie's new blog kinda makes me feel slack for not blogging enough, even though I usually say there's nothing of interest to blog about (which I suppose is why this blog is so cobwebby), and Del's blog is usually essay-length, deep explorations of thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to open my mind a bit more, understand people and myself a bit more, and try a few more things I would usually be hesitant about.
Well anyway, recently I watched a Jap movie called Battle Royale. The general storyline is that Japan's government has disintegrated, and schoolkids are running amok causing havok everywhere. Then they introduced the Battle Act, where every year, a random school class is selected for this Act. Then their teacher, with the military, busses them off to the middle nowhere, dump them on a deserted island with various weapons, and make them kill off each other. The students are stuck on the island for 3 days, each equipped with an electronic collar which tracks their location and heartbeat, and if more than one collar remains active when the 3 days are up, they will automatically explode. The game ends when there is only one student left alive. Or everyone dead.
Of course my first thoughts upon watching the movie was "Why the heck are the Japanese government promoting more homocidal teenagers into the society?!!?" But it's a movie so just go with the flow.
The movie itself is pretty good, all the young actors doing a pretty good job of being scared, confused, murderous, etc. Some of the situations are kind of amusing, probably not intended to be, but it was. E.g. There was a clan of 5-6 girls who took over a lighthouse, and were all living together quite well for two days, until one of them tried to poison a guy they rescued, which another girl ate by accident. Another girl freaked out, and tried to gun everyone down, leading to everyone picking up guns and shooting everyone else. The girl who did the poisoning of course was left alive, who then proceeded to throw herself off the lighthouse. And the guy who just woke up was like O____O to a room of dead bodies. Seems like such a girl-thing to happen *shruggz*
Some of the weapons that were given out were pretty funny. Included ones were semi-automatic guns, pistols, grenades, bullet-proof vest, shot gun, katana, tazer, poision, pot lid, binoculars, GPS tracking device, paper fan, sickle, axe, crossbow, flick knife, loudspeaker....etc
After the movie it incited a lot of "what if" situations in my mind. If my class and I were in that situation, what would I do? At the start of the game, a few people (usually couples) forfeited by suiciding by jumping off the cliff into the ocean, or hanging themselves. I have a feeling that probably wouldn't be the option I'd choose, but I don't think I'd be one of those trigger-happy individuals who killed for the fun of winning.
The summer course I'm taking at the moment of Business Law and Ethics, and in many ways it has really opened my eyes. One of the hypothetical questions asked in class has stayed with me til now: "Should we do something because we can, or because it's the right thing to do it?" So if you believe in "One should not kill", should we refrain from taking other people's lives even if it means we might lose our own? Or are these rules forgotten in abnormal situations so we can do things we wouldn't normally even think about without considering our morals? How would we be able to trust the people around us? Even the people we thought we good friends?
