Well hmm over the weekend something major occurred...namely I broke up with Chris :S There were various reasons for that decision, but whatever excuses I dredged up for him or myself did nothing to cover up the pain I felt for myself, and for hurting him so badly.
In the morning, I was overcome by a strange feeling of normality. The sun was shining so brightly, my mum going around doing what she usually does, people talking to me like there wasn't a huge gaping hole in my chest. But that was true. Through all that emptiness, nothing has changed, except for the relationship between him and me. Which now that we hardly have one at all was my fault. I'm not sure if the emptiness or the normality was self-induced, but all day I was feeling torn between those two emotions. In one sense I felt freer, but in another much more burdened.
Being 18 kinda sucks :S my feeling is that like *yay* I don't have a loving boyfriend, I have an ex. Welcome to the path to adulthood.
But last night he came over, because I had to give him some stuff back. But also because I didn't want us to end our relationship solely on the phone, and future meetings being extremely awkward and probably spiteful. But he was surprisingly understanding (not that he had a choice anyway), and we managed to end the night with a close dinner, some more hug time, and a better goodbye. When I had finished telling him we had to break up, I was struck by the fact that I would probably never feel his hugs anymore, and I deeply regretted the fact that I had not held him for just that little longer when he said goodbye on that night. But at least he was kind enough to let me make amends.
In the meantime, I'm trying not to think about it, because doubtless I will fall into a spiral of self-hate and derision, but when you're trying not to think at all, homework doesn't rank very high on the immediate to-do list. So I've just been burning DVDs and stuff, which is annoying because my burner has been very temperamental about what it wants to burn lately.
